


Contact

by Anonymous



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe, Gen, Prompt Fill
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2011-02-12
Updated: 2011-02-11
Packaged: 2017-10-16 02:58:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,588
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/167682
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Captchalogue Prompt: AU<br/>... where humans and trolls, through whatever hijinks necessary, occupy the same planet and have been exchanging culture for several generations by the time the trolls and kids arrive.<br/>What stuff ends up taboo, what becomes the norm?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

John had never seen one in real life before, only pictures. They didn't seem too bad, or too different from humans, really. (Yeah, horns were odd, but then again human mythology had been depicting horned humanoids for centuries before the trolls arrived.) If one squinted, they looked just like people in grayscale photos with maybe a little jaundice in the eyes. The deeper complexities of their biology were a little more disconcerting, but John was only 13, after all; his dad didn't feel like explaining those to his son just yet.

Dad's own apprehension matched or far exceeded that of his son. Unlike John, he had been there when those black ships first touched down, saw the armored bodies first step out onto the green planet-- and recoil in surprise and pain. Trolls were more advanced than humans, technologically, and their natural aggression and superior physical strength would have led them to make quick work of conquering earth were it not for one unexpected weakness: plants. It was like a cheesy sci-fi movie. The second a troll made contact with living plant matter of any kind, it caused intense pain and nausea. Troll-made weapons were incapable of destroying plant matter as well as humans who had eaten plants recently.

Faced with a conundrum but not willing to retreat, the troll conquerers did something unprecedented in the history of the universe: they signed a peace treaty. Under it, the trolls would inhabit vegetation-free areas such as deserts, tundras, or deep undersea. Nobody would cross the government-sanctioned boundary lines without a license, on penalty of death. Regular peace talks and cultural exchange programs were put in place, to prevent war erupting that would wipe out either one species or the other.

 

And so here the car was, pulling up to the Skaia Equal Opportunity Preparatory Academy, situated just on the border between the designated human and troll areas. Because if their species were going to learn to coexist peacefully, they might as well start with the next generation.

Across the fence separating the human and the troll sides, John saw his first live troll, holding the claw of-- was that a giant white crab? How peculiar, how the native Alternian species so closely resembled those on earth. He couldn't quite tell from this distance, but the look on the troll's face seemed to mirror his own. Seeing the pink monkeys for the first time. What would they be like?

John was gently led inside by his dad. Not only was this John's first time seeing live trolls, it was his first time leaving home for an extended period of time. SEOPA was a boarding school. Dad wasn't altogether comfortable with parting with his son in a strange place for so long a period of time, but somehow he knew that this was the right choice. Besides, it wasn't like John would be alone; his four best friends were going to be there, too. In different dorms, sure, but Dad had made sure that they all shared at least one class with John and that was what mattered, right? Besides, Dad had confidence in John. Despite being a bit of a goober, the kid was resourceful. Sociable. He made friends easily. Even though he was often a target for bullies in his old school, he was always optimistic, never taking personal attacks seriously. Besides, he had his friends there in person to back him up if something went wrong.

The inside of the building was clean, polished to look presentable. A banner of the school's soccer team (the Skaian Knights) hung on one wall. A guide noticed the pair and handed them a map, directing them to John's dorm (categorized by mythological creatures; John's was Typheus). John gave the guide a bucktoothed grin and a word of thanks and proceeded down the hallway, dragging his rolling suitcase with one hand and holding his dad's hand with the other.


	2. Encounter

John took out his laptop, plugging it in and locking it to the table, as his Dad had suggested. A couple of hours had passed since arriving, over the course of which he had toured the entire school and gone over the curriculum again. After another attempted exchange of baked goods, he hugged his Dad goodbye and promised to write and E-mail as often as he could. He then returned to Typheus dorm (his new home, he supposed) and set to work making it a bit more homely, starting with the computer.

He’d briefly encountered his roommate, Pete Sluther, who had seemed nice enough. The guy had already decorated the walls on his half of the room with an odd multicultural poster and a plug-in fake window. Weird, but John decided not to judge him. He stuck his own posters on the wall—the ever-classic Ghostbusters and Con Air posters, as well as the new one his dad had bought him: Knowing, starring (who else?) Nicholas Cage. He hadn’t actually seen the movie yet, but he planned to watch it as soon as he had some free time. Maybe Pete would want to watch it with him. After all, it had aliens! Awesome.

He opened the massive Col. Sassacre volume and flipped through the first pages, searching for prankspiration as well as a way to calm his nerves. He decided to settle for the good ol’ you-think-he’s-giving-you-pringles-but-then-a-spring-loaded-snake-jumps-out-at-you trick, which he always found made a good icebreaker. He opened his magic chest and took out the can, putting it in his backpack. He slung the bag over his shoulder and opened the door, planning on finding a prank victim, or if he was lucky, one of his friends.

And crashed right into someone who was walking down the hall.

"Watch where you’re fucking going, fuckstick!" John found himself face-to-face with his first real troll.

"S-sorry, I was just—"

"Who the fuck are you, anyway?" This close, John could see the differences much more clearly— The pointed teeth and ears and the gray irises inside yellow eyes.

"I'm John. Egbert. John Egbert. This is my room."

"Oh yeah? Well, whoop-dee-fucking-do, I don't care. Just stay outta my way, human, or I'll—" the troll was cut off by the sudden appearance of a white claw on his shoulder. He spun around to face the giant white crab that had approached unnoticed while they were talking. John suddenly recognized him.

"Oh, it's you!"

"What?"

"You're that crab guy I saw while coming in here!"

"Good for you, I guess. Are you gonna shut up so that I can talk to my lusus?" John bit his lip and watched as they held a conversation. He couldn't understand any of it. The troll was talking very fast in Daedric while the crab responded with a series of clicks and whines that he evidently understood. Finally, he turned to face John again.

"Much as I don't want to, my lusus says that I have to treat you humans with respect, or something. So, whatever. I'm Karkat Vantas." He held out an orange-nailed hand. John stared at it.

"What's your problem? This is one of your earth traditions, isn't it?" Numbly, John extended his own hand to shake it. The skin was rougher than he expected. Karkat only held on briefly before letting go and shouting over his shoulder at the crab, in English.

"Well? What are you waiting for? Go! Go out to the breeding grounds or something. I never want to see you again." The crab shuffled hesitantly, emitting a plaintive whine, and then sidled off. John continued to stare, dumbstruck.

"Did you really mean that?" John asked as soon as the crab was out of sight. "About never wanting to see, um, him again? That's your dad, or caretaker or whatever, right?"

"Of course I did, what the fuck do you think? Although he sure as hell isn't my dad, if by dad you mean the donor of the genetic material used to spawn me. You humans sure are weird." He paused, considering. "And by weird I mean fucking stupid. Just because I have to be nice to you doesn't mean I enjoy tolerating your existence."

"But—" John struggled for words. "But you're only thirteen, right? Like me? How are you old enough to leave your guardian?"

"Thirteen? I'm six solar sweeps, by the Alternian calendar. Or I guess thirteen of your earth years. Your planet orbits too fucking fast. But six sweeps is considered adult by troll standards. Old enough to breed, old enough to live without a stupid fucking lusus watching our every move. If you're not ready to survive the world at thirteen, you fucking deserve to be culled."

"Wow, harsh."

"It's life. We cull the weak. It's what makes our race strong." An awkward silence followed. Finally, John swung his backpack off of his shoulders and reached in, pulling out the snack food canister.

"Pringle?"

"This isn't one of your stupid human plant foods, is it? Because if you're trying to get me, I'll fucking murder you."

"Ahahahaha, no, trust me, there's absolutely nothing in Pringles that constitutes real food. Certainly nothing that's alive! Here, just try it."

"…Fine, let this be the metaphorical fucking olive bra-AAAAAAAWHATTHEFUCK!?" A lot of things happened in a single second. As Karkat lifted the plastic lid off of the container, the spring-loaded serpent shot out right in his face. From seemingly nowhere, the troll produced a sickle and bisected the projectile in midair. The snake fell to the floor, the front half staring googly-eyed up at them. John doubled over in laughter.

"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT? WHAT DID YOU—WHAT—YOU THINK THAT WAS FUCKING FUNNY?" Karkat had somehow crossed to the other half of the room and stood with his back pressed to the wall, as far away from the Pringles can as he could go. His chest was heaving and his eyes were wide.

"Ahahahahaha, oh god, you should—haha—you should see the look on your face!" John fell to the floor, clutching his stomach as he quaked with mirth. Eventually both people in the room caught their breath. John straightened up picked the pieces of the snake up off the floor. "Aww, but you ruined it. Now I'll have to buy another one if I want to prank somebody else!"

"THAT WAS—" Karkat breathed deeply and heavily, trying to keep his rage in check. "That was your fucking idea of a JOKE?! What the fuck—I thought you were going to fucking MURDER me!"

"Haha, you're terrified!" John waggled the springy snake head. "See? It's totally harmless. Wow, you really are on edge—or is that just a thing about trolls in general? I can't tell."

"You humans. Are. Fucked. Up. Who the fuck thinks that's funny?" He shakily stood back up. "Oh my god, I'm going to have to deal with this for the rest of the year. Cull me now." He opened the door on the wall next to him, which happened to lead to his dorm, and slammed it shut, closing the latch with a click.

John grinned. "See you later, Karkat!" Stuffing the parts of the snake back into the can, he wondered whether it would still work and if not, whether he could fix it with some scotch tape and free time. His encounter with Karkat hadn't gone that badly, he mused as he headed off in the direction of the main hall. If all trolls were like him, then, well, he would be ok with that.


	3. Impressions

John entered the main hallway, whistling a cheerful tune. The encounter with and subsequent pranking of Karkat had left him in high spirits; he felt like he was flying! Again, he gave silent thanks to the good Colonel. Without his sage guidance, he could never have achieved such a high level of pranksters' gambit.

Now, though, he had other concerns. His friends were theoretically in the school somewhere. It had been a while since he last saw them in person, so recognizing them might be somewhat of a challenge, but even if he didn't find them now he would at least see them in class tomorrow. John didn't feel like waiting that long. The opening lecture was in about half an hour, when all students were supposed to report to the auditorium, so John set a goal for himself to find one of his friends before then.

The hallway was fairly crowded. Human students and their parents walked on the opposite side of the hallway of the trolls and their lusii whenever possible, though, so there was a clear space in the middle for John to walk through cheerfully. Trolls were weird, typically hostile, and very different; that much he could see. But being around them cheered him up, for whatever reason. He supposed it was the school itself; the very existence of the facility brought him hope.

A sudden conflagration around the corner drew John's attention. A crowd was gathering around a troll and a human engaged in what seemed to be a heated argument, at least on the troll's part. The human simply observed the emotional carnage from behind ironic shades—or maybe he wasn't even looking; nobody could tell. John recognized him immediately, and ducked back behind the corner, hoping he hadn't been seen. He wanted to hear how this argument played out before he interrupted.

"I'm tellin you, all your human rap artists are stupid and derivvative!" the troll shouted in a strangely-accented voice. "But then of course, can't expect you landwwalkers to appreciate our fine Alternian culture. You probably havven't evven heard of it, havve you?"

"Not my problem if you've got a thing against my kind of music, fishlips, but in case you hadn't noticed, you're making a bit of a scene." He studied his fingernails. Maybe. "Listen, my mahi-mahi mate, if you calm down for a sec, I'll give you a tip about a little thing known as—" here he grabbed the collar of the troll's ridiculous cape and drew him in so that his lips were right next to his pointed ear— "irony."

"I, uh, glub," the fish troll gulped. "Wwhat are you—"

Dave tsked. "Now look at you, blubbering like a whale. You'll never—excuse me, nevver—get chicks when you wear your emotions on your sleeve like that. Or dudes, I should say, since you look like the type who swims both ways." He released him. The fish troll staggered back as if he'd been slapped. "Now go on, back to your chums, I don't have all day. Hey, John."

John stepped out from behind the corner. "I have no idea what you just did there, but whatever it was, it was awesome."

Dave smiled a little, breaking his previously stoic demeanor. "Just teaching that guy a couple of lessons, that's all. He's been a big fish in a small pond for so long, it's time he realized he's swimming with sharks now."

"That," John said with a grin, "was an astounding number of fish puns."

"Thanks. S'up, bro? Haven't seen you in forever."'

"Yeah! What was it, like, two years ago when we last hung out?"

"I guess so. That was when we went to your place and you showed me some of your cheesy movies, right?"

"Shut up Dave, my movies are awesome. Does your bro still have that weirdass rapping puppet or what?"

"Shit, yeah, of course he's still got Lil Cal. You'd think he was born with the thing."

"Still ironic, Dave?"

"Still a goober, John?"

They paused for a moment, then brofisted.

"It's good to have you back, bro," Dave said, pushing his sunglasses up the bridge of his nose.

"Yeah, I feel like I've been talking to you even less than usual lately. What's with that? You never seem to be on Pesterchum when I check."

"Yeah, well, you know this school, right? For all that it's 'multicultural' and 'for the mutual benefit of our species' and all that shit, it's hard as fuck to get into, you know what I mean?"

"So…" Realization dawned on John. "So all those hours you weren't spending on Pesterchum or playing games, you were actually doing homework and studying? So unlike you."

"Yeah, well. Not everyone's as automatically good at school as you, Egbert."

"Aw, shucks Dave, I'm not that great, really. I had to watch my grades too you know! And, uh."

"No, you're being modest. And did you just seriously say 'aw, shucks' completely unironically?" Dave maybe scrutinized him from behind the Stiller shades.

"Um," John bit his bottom lip. "Maybe?"

"Jegus, I just finished pan-searing the fish guy in irony and now I've gotta teach my best bro a lesson, too. Are you serious? There's some shit you just don't say, Egbert, and 'aw, shucks' is one of—"

"I think I'm fine in terms of irony, actually," John cut him off. "I'll just sort of absorb it by being around you, right? Filter-feed. Like a sea sponge."

"Do me a favor and never try to do fish puns again."

"Sure thing, bro." John grinned. He swung his backpack off his shoulder and felt around for the trick Pringles canister. He had his doubts, but it was worth a shot anyway. "Pringle?"

Dave looked at the can, then up at John, then back at the can. Finally, he said, "Fine, I'll humor you," and opened it. As before, the snake leapt out, but this time it fell short and flopped pathetically in two wriggly halves on the floor. The two boys stared at it.

"Don't look now, Egbert, but I think your trick thing is broken."

"Yeah, well, it was worth a shot," John said with a shrug, picking up the pieces. "I wasn't sure it would work after Karkat cut it in half, but I figured, y'know, maybe."

"Who's Karkat?"

"He's one of my dormmates. He's a troll."

"Oh, well, that explains it. I was wondering if he was Indian or something, judging from the name." Dave shrugged. "Whatever. He cut it in half?"

"Yeah, I pranked him so good! He totally freaked out and pulled out a sickle and cut it in half in midair! You shoulda been there, the look on his face was priceless!"

"I'll bet it was a sight for the ages. Prime Youtube hit material. Too bad nobody saw it. Wait, he pulled out a sickle?"

John scratched his head thoughtfully. "Yeah, now that I think about it, that's a little weird. I mean, what was he doing carrying a weapon around? But anyway, despite that and the fact that he yelled at me, I like him."

"Egbert. Jegus. Why do you have to go around being so goddamn personable all the time? This guy sounds crazy!"

"Yeah, maybe a little but… If we don't trust the trolls, then what's the point of even going to school here?" John kicked at the floor. "I think they're different, and that's going to be kind of hard to deal with, but they know we're all here for the best, right?"

"Whatever, dude." Dave shrugged. "I mean I get where you're coming from. I just don't share your opinion that we should unconditionally trust these guys when they'll pull a knife on us in a second's notice. Like, did you see that guy I just schooled?"

"What, the fish guy?"

"Yeah, him. Before you walked in and we were talking about his boring fucking music, he was going on and on about the superiority of his blood and the inferiority of everyone who walked on land, especially humans, saying that as soon as he got the chance he would murder all of us in a second." Dave scowled, a remarkable degree of emotion for him. "Yeah, not exactly a good fucking first impression. To make matters worse, I think he's in my dorm."

"He sounds like a douche," John agreed. "But maybe that's just him, I dunno. Karkat didn't say anything about blood. Is that a special thing for them or something?"

"Hell if I know."

John paused, looking at the ceiling like he usually did when he was thinking. "Oh, right! I meant to ask you if you met your roommate yet."

"Yeah. He's a dick." Dave shrugged. "S'ok, though. Give me a week and I'll have his tubby ass cowering in my ironic shadow, believe me. Who the hell names their son 'Ace,' anyway?"

"Haha, yeah, that's a pretty stupid name! Sorry you got stuck with someone you don't like, though. I met my roommate and he seems nice enough. Too bad we couldn't room together, though."

"Yeah, thanks but no thanks, Egbert. I like hanging out with you and all, but I don't think I could sleep with Nic Cage's weird, slightly gaunt face staring at me all night."

"Hey man, Nic Cage is awesome!" John exclaimed, affronted. Before Dave could provide a sarcastic rebuttal, though, the loudspeaker system clicked and the crowded hallway silenced itself to listen.

"The opening speech from your principal is about to begin. Students should leave their belongings in their dorms and report directly to the auditorium in fifteen minutes. Repeat: students should leave their belongings in their dorms and report directly to the auditorium. Thank you." It turned off with another click.

John and Dave exchanged glances. "Well, let's get going!" said John after a moment. "I bet they have some pretty important stuff to say. Plus, we might even run into Rose and Jade there if we're lucky!"

"I'm not usually all over attending this sort of thing, but sure, you're probably right." Dave shouldered his backpack. "Lead the way, Egbert."


	4. Assimilation

"Mr. Noir. You know what a disgusting habit that is. Put that out."

"Fuck off," growled Jack Noir, Subadministrative Secretary and currently the least eager person in the entire school. "Of all the times I need a fucking smoke, you choose now to tell me to quit? _Now?_ I have to give a— stand up in front of all those— and give a _speech_ and you're asking me to not smoke?"

"Don't get snippy with me, Jack. You know it's against the rules." Beatrix Queen, co-principal of the Skaia Equal Opportunity Preparatory Academy, folded her arms. "And it's not like you're giving the entire speech. You're just going over the rules and then standing aside so Dean King can talk to the students about their curriculum."

"Yeah, but we all know my part's the toughest, don't we? I'm not even a fucking vice principal. Why do _I_ hafta talk to the trolls about sex? On their first day? Some of the kids— the human kids, I mean— don't even fuckin' know what sex _is_."

"Yes, well, you know we chose you for your charisma."

"Fuck you."

"In all seriousness, Slick," Mrs. Queen said, using the nickname that Jack hated, "You do know this is a test, don't you?"

Jack stopped midway through taking a drag on the cigarette, and launched into a coughing fit. The cigarette fell to the linoleum, where it was automatically crushed by Mrs. Queen's high-heeled boot. As soon as his lungs were clear, Jack rasped out, "a WHAT?"

"A test, Mr. Noir. Despite your repeatedly uncouth behavior, the powers that be— by which I mean my fellow administrators— are considering you for promotion, God knows why. I suppose it's because none of them know you as well as I do."

"Bitch."

"Don't press your luck. Just because they overruled me once doesn't mean I can't push again for them to keep you where you are." She looked down at the remains of the cigarette on the floor. "Ugh, what a mess. But I won't bother asking you to clean it up, because you need to change into a shirt that doesn't reek of smoke and then get out there, because you're scheduled to start in twenty minutes."

Grumbling and swearing, Jack crossed the teachers' lounge to pick up the dry-cleaned suit he had thrown over an armchair before taking his cigarette break. "Fuckin'— why do we even—we're humans, not trolls! Why're we—"

"Kismeses, you mean? You tell me, Slick. Tell me why."

"I fucking hate you."

"Precisely. Now go give your speech. Despite your utter incompetence, I have a feeling that you'll be able to identify better with the trolls than anybody else in our staff. But still. Don't fuck up. You'll be watched." Jack glared at her over his shoulder and slammed the door shut behind him.

As soon as the auditorium doors opened, John knew that he and Dave wouldn't find their other friends easily. The place was already packed, and the speech wasn't supposed to start for another ten minutes. The school had easily a thousand students, and the auditorium, though large, had almost all of its seats filled. The audience was split evenly between trolls and humans, although they tended to not intermingle; large clumps were either entirely troll or entirely human.

The noise was horrendous. John clapped his hands over his ears to block it out. Dave said something that he couldn't hear and pointed to two empty seats in the middle of a row. They edged their way past humans and trolls, awkwardly stepping around and over knees to get to their seats. The troll to John's left had enormous horns; John was forced to duck uncomfortably when he sat, but he didn't think asking the troll to move would be the best idea.

Trying to talk at this point would be futile, so John simply sat and took everything in. He cast a sidelong glance at Dave, and behind the shades he could see the brilliant red irises that Dave was so self-conscious about. Dave blinked and turned his head slightly, and John quickly looked elsewhere, not wanting to get caught staring. He scanned the crowd for a platinum-blonde girl in purple, or a girl with tousled hair and colorful rings on her fingers. The best-case scenario was that Rose and Jade had found each other already and the four could easily reunite and pose as a team, but in a school so big, that was wishful thinking.

The house lights in the auditorium darkened and the last few students trickled in. When the talking died down to relative quiet as several people walked onstage. One of them was tall, broad-shouldered man with a gentle-looking face; another, a lithe and graceful woman in clothes that looked far too fancy for a simple school orientation; the third, a shorter man who looked miserable in his rumpled suit. The tall man switched on the microphone, which screeched before normalizing, and cleared his throat.

"Welcome, students both new and old, to another year at Skaia Equal Opportunity Preparatory Academy," he said in a much softer voice than John expected. "As you may already know, I am Mr. Kingston, and I am one of the principals of this esteemed educational, first of its kind on Earth. We here at Skaia are bent on forging a new future for the both of our races, one based around peace and equality rather than hatred and fear. In addition to providing an unprecedented forum for cultural interaction among our next generation, we also endeavor to provide a comprehensive education and to prepare young humans and trolls for the future that awaits them. And now," he paused, taking a breath, "to read you the rules, Mr. Noir."

Jack accepted the mic with only a hint of resent. "Uh, yeah. So, like, kids, and trolls too, whatever. So we got some rules. We don’t hesitate to enforce 'em, too, since the future of both our species hangs on what you kids do to each other." He let out a humorless, barking laugh, and caught a glare from Ms. Queen for it. "Right. Penalties include detentions—and they're not fun either, it's sh— crap like cleaning graffiti from walls or doing kitchen duty—and then cut grades, suspension, or expulsion. Even if you want out of here, believe me, your parents or your giant monsters or whatever don't want you back. At least," he corrected himself reluctantly, "not prematurely.

"So I guess I should lay down the basics for you. Rule number one: _no killing_." A murmur went through the audience. John glanced uneasily at Dave. _Why is that even a rule?_ "We are in the United States, and murder is a federal offense and you will be sent to juvenile court— that is to say, human court— regardless of your species. Skaia's a no-culling zone. Yes, we know you trolls do it. We're not dumb. But we lose our tax benefits if you brats start dying, y'see, so keep your technicolor blood to yourselves and we'll take care of the rest.

"I guess there's a subpoint to that rule. No deadly weapons." John immediately thought of Karkat wielding the sickle and wondered how the troll would react. "And no, for God's sakes, don't start telling me you can garrote someone with a piece of string or stab your knitting needles into somebody's eyes or club someone to death with a goddamn bowling pin. See rule number one. Just don't kill each other, okay? I'm sure you'll find plenty of other ways to make each other's lives miserable.

"Rule number three. Two. Whatever. No recreational FLARP or Fiduspawn. That's what those clubs are for. We know how deadly your games get. We know that FLARP is basically a machination by your government for killing off— sorry, culling those they think don't deserve to live. Well, this is Earth, and here you play by _our_ rules. I'd like to stab some people to death, too, but the point is that I _don't_ , and neither should you. As for Fiduspawn, I don't give a crap what kind of pets you keep as long as you clean up after 'em, but if you're gonna be a Spawner, you've gotta join the club. Because chances are, you suck at raising monsters, and one of these days you'll forget to feed 'em and they'll snack on one of your dormmates instead. See rule number one.

"Rule number five. This is gonna make you guys uncomfortable. _Buckets._ "

The troll half of the audience exploded in hysteria. The one sitting next to John turned his head suddenly, whacking John soundly once and then again when he turned back. The administration surrounding the room— all of them human— sprang into motion, attempting to quiet the uproar. Ms. Queen, standing to the side of the stage, sighed and shook her head.

Jack's patience gave out after about half a minute. "Okay, okay, what the hell? I must have failed my cultural sensitivity training or something, but seriously, get a grip. Anyway, where was I? Right. B-words. I'm not a health teacher, thank God, so I'm not gonna explain this whole process to the rest of us, but basically, the brood is coming. Welcome to the only school in the entirety of human civilization that encourages— well, anyway, there's help with your quadrants. As your-" here his voice gained a hint of venom "-student body advisor, Ms. Queen oversees all programs that involve counseling and dealing with inter-student issues. She's here to help you with your business that I'm not allowed to talk about directly in front of you brats. So don't bother me about it, okay? We'll have you all paired up by the time the Imperial Drones come a-knocking in April, ready to puree anyone over thirteen who doesn't have a significant other or two. As for kismeses… see rule number one.

"I bet all you trolls are thinking, 'man, these rules sure seem really freaking racist and one-sided,' that's because, kids, I haven't gotten to our side of the agreement yet. Rule number one for humans: no eating outside of the cafeteria. Trolls can eat anywhere they want, but seriously, eat inside the cafeteria. But, kids. As you may have noticed, there's no earth vegetation anywhere on school grounds. You are forbidden— expressly, absolutely forbidden— from abusing natural weaknesses in order to gain personal pleasure. As tempting as it may be. No plants at all in this school, besides what are strictly necessary. Is that clear?" John swallowed. He was never big on salad, but he was pretty sure that he would come to miss plants in some form. "First offense is detention. Second and further offenses are suspension and expulsion. Don't try it. We're watching.

"Rule number two for humans. Don't let us catch you with your hands up each other's shirts. You are not, under any circumstances, allowed into the opposite sex's dorms, except during the hours of 10am to 4pm with a door open and a faculty supervisor present. Is that clear?" Jack smirked. "Not so one-sided now, eh? Cultural differences, kids. That's what coexistence means! This school wasn't founded to turn the rainbow-blooded freaks into humans! You both are going to learn about each other, whether you like it or not! Hey, Beatrix, am I done yet?"

"Yes, Slick, I'd say that you are quite done," hissed Ms. Queen as she took the stage, snatching Jack's mic out of his hands. "My apologies for any offense caused by this. Questions may be brought up with the faculty at a later date. I am afraid we are rather short on time, as dinner is in half an hour. School handbooks will be provided to you; it is required that you read through them before the end of the first week. You are all dismissed."


End file.
